Who Am I?

Sounds like a daft question, but it's one I've been asking myself a lot lately.

I think it's something that the majority of mothers go through within the first few months and years of parenthood. All of a sudden, the entire focus of your life changes. You find yourself in a world where you'll leave the house with no make-up on, dried weetabix in your hair, and stained clothing. And that's to go to work. In truth, I'm finding it hard to have an identity other than that of 'Mummy'.'

There's a number of reasons for this, other than the appearance in the world of someone who takes precedence over all else in my life. The first few months of Flo's life were stressful, for reasons still too raw to really dwell on, let alone write about. I felt like a failure as a mother, and wondered if I was actually going insane. Consequently, I ate. A lot. I put on more in the first 6 months of Flo's life than I did in 9 months of pregnancy. Her first xmas, I weighed the same as I did 5 days before giving birth. So I look in the mirror and see a swollen, saggy version of the person I still am in my head. Which doesn't help matters.

Also, I have zero social life. Not even with my darling husband. We live too far away from any potential babysitters, or indeed, anywhere you'd want to go out to. In truth, I'm glad of the excuse not to have to go out and leave Flo in the care of someone else. During the day is no problem, but leaving her at night... I don't know, it just feels like a step I'm not ready for. She's 26 months old! I need to get a grip. I don't want my own 'abandonment issues', to give them their wank-speak moniker, to turn me into an overprotective parent though, so I need to address this sooner rather than later. Hopefully this will change soon, as we are moving back to civilisation. I can't wait.

But rediscovering myself isn't going to be easy. I don't know where to look. I was never particularly self-assured in the first place, and part of me probably likes being able to give myself a narrow definition; a set role to play. I just want to look in the mirror and recognise myself again.

Here ends the pointless waffle. As you were.